LIes

I want to whisper goodbye,
and hear no response.

I want to get smaller,
until I disappear.

I want to close my eyes,
and not reopen them.

I want to cry,
but no one to hear.

I want to hurt and ache,
but not make a sound.

None of these are true.
I want you,
with your arms around me.

Would you?

She steps over cracks on the street,
she sells her self for nothing or cheap,
she takes out her anger on her self,
she can’t stop this feeling of being in hell.

She locks the doors three times each night,
she fears the darkness and the light,
she refuses to let herself heal,
she can’t breathe in without fear.

She blows out the candle, just before bed.
she hears all these voices, inside her head.
she breaks the glass into sharp pieces,
she can’t stop, she needs this.

Float

Live on air, she said.
Breathe deep,
but don’t eat.
Let the disease consume you.
Let the numbers erase you.

Live on air, she said.
Swallow the wind.
Feel the emptiness.
Revel in the feeling.
Become lost in the control.

Live on air, she said.
Take in a breath.
Don’t take a bite.
Don’t take a sip.
Don’t make a mistake, don’t slip.

I live on air, I said.

Afloat

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I want to drift out to see,
weightless, without tether.

I want to float on the waves,
languid, without tension.

I want to drown in happiness,
alone, without will.

I want to breathe in the guilt,
breathless, without air.

Jigsaw

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I am a puzzle piece.
– disconnected.
Without shape or color.
– rejected.

The square peg in the round hole,
I do not fit into,
cannot connect with my identity,
or even begin to.

Boundaries

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Boundaries,
what silly, little things.
Don’t worry, little girl,
about the gifts they bring.

Held within their bubble,
you, they’ll never reach.
Pop, bubble, pop,
I can break them each.

Broken, little boundaries,
broken, little girl,
with no sense of relationships,
with no sense of the world.

Bound so tightly, down within,
disconnected from herself,
unable to feel her emotions,
or understand what is felt.

Broken, little toy,
get back in your box,
Stay in there forever,
until you’re forgotten and lost.

Duplicity

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#1

Through the unknown and down the hill,
is where safety will ultimately belong.
Although the path has not been found,
does not mean that it is gone.

Even though I depend on being told the way,
no one can describe the road.
No one knows where I am starting from,
or where the path will go.

I, myself, am not even on the road.
I am nowhere to be seen.
I do not have the map ahead,
but only know where I have been.

#2

Sometimes, I do
not feel that healthy,
or safety can even exist.

Maybe, I am being,
tricked by the whole world,
or just the world within my head.

Why should I strive,
for an ideal I have
no hope or belief in?

Won’t the loss be,
that much grater
when I reveal the hoax?

I feel that the
despair would kill me,
without any help at all.

Abounds

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Love without strings,
and hope without loss,
I grasp for these things,
but they feel so false.

I stare out at the day,
my inner child wants to play,
but I can seize the day,
without feeling the cost.

How can I break these rules & bonds,
I don’t even believe that I have the tools,
The only thing I know how to lose,
The inner me is so, very, lost.

It’s important to find,
the pieces that are mine,
I need to learn that the important piece,
to keep safe…is me.

Parts and planes

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I love you,
don’t you see that?
But I have to do this,
to get myself back.
I am broken into parts,
planes of my own existence,
lonely places that beg for light.
A girl who begs for a caress,
a touch to put her back together.
“I can be whole,” I cry,
the pieces are not destroyed.
All the king’s men,
can put me back together again.
I just have to wait, and hold on.

27

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I am 27,
and I’ve never
seen the sun. (in person)

I’ve been locked
in a room
with only one window. (It’s poorly done)

I’m not sure
the picture is real.
I think it’s just a joke. (But, I’m not laughing)

I’ve forgotten that
the outside is real.
It’s just a fantasy. (I’m forgotten)